The Show Will Go On!

Aaron and I had a very busy week last week and are so glad to have no where to go this week. On Monday, April 30th we met with our RE in Indy regarding our failed IVF cycle. As we suspected he still considers us "unexplained". We had a fairly typical IVF cycle, with a normal fertilzation rate and 2 awesome embryos to transfer. He stated that if we were to try another IVF cycle in the future he would switch up my meds a little bit. I don't need much drug as I respond very well and he believes this may have been what contributed to the failed cycle. Early on in the cycle my estrogen levels skyrocketed and although they were able to control them somewhat by backing off on the meds they still remained high and I had to go through egg retrieval before the RE really wanted me too. So, he somewhat suspects that although the eggs were mature they may not have been mature enough to create a viable pregnancy. This is also supported by the fact that our embryos had some moderate fragmentation. Some fragmentation is normal but the embryologist and the RE discussed the fact that this is often seen with undermature eggs. We talked with the RE about the fact that we are starting the process of adoption and would like to hold off on doing another IVF cycle right now. He was very happy for us and we talked some about the process. He also said that if we are interested we can try less invasive strategies such as Clomid again. He explained that although the IVF cycle failed we did learn a few things, one of which is that we have a normal fertilization rate. We also know that sperm and egg can meet as I have been pregnant before and my tubes are open so he would feel comfortable if we feel comfortable trying a few more Clomid cycles to see what happens. This is definately something we are considering but the month of May is super busy so it will be put on the back-burner for awhile. So all in all not a bad visit. Our RE is such a positive and uplifting man. He even hugged me before leaving the office!

Not only did we travel to Indy last week but we also made a trip to the Dayton area to meet with the director of the adoption agency we chose (we spent roughly 12 hours in the car last week and that doesn't include our traveling to and from work). She was great and very informative. We were given lots of homework and a great checklist to follow (you all know how much I like checklists). Anyways we have mounds of paperwork to complete and copies to make. We also have to complete 36 hours of training, ick! The  nice thing about this agency, however, is that they give us the option to complete it online which is so nice considering all of the traveling we have been doing. We hope to start this next week! On top of all of that we have to create a profile or life book that basically chronicles our life/family so the birthparents can get an idea of what we are like. We can use websites such as snapfish.com or mixbook.com to create these books. If you are interested in finding out more about what a profile book or life book is just Google search it, there a tons of examples! We have already started working on some of the paperwork, check out all this mess:

As you can probably expect, recieving all of this information was very overwhelming this week. Last night I was really struggling with my emotions. I was feeling frustrated about our failed IVF cycle and "unexplained" diagnosis and irritated that we have to complete all of this paperwork and training in order to have a baby when most people just have to show up at a hoptial in labor, give birth and go home with their baby without the blink of an eye. Yes, I was feeling jealous. I was upset that we have to jump through all of these hoops to have a child when there are people out there who get pregnant, choose to parent their child and then abuse them. Reality sucks sometimes! But just as I was thinking all of these thoughts I remembered a scripture passage from the Bible. Somehow God always knows when I need him the most.

Psalm 139: 16 "Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed and in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them."

When I fail, don't feel like I measure up to society, feel abondoned by God and pray and pray and pray but my prayers remain unanswered I feel unloved. But I know this is not God making me feel this way. Failures, feelings of inadequacy and unanswered prayers are all a part of his plan for me. Sometimes I don't think our "unexplained" diagnosis is unexplained at all. God knows what he is doing. He knew what twists and turns my life would be taking before I was even here on Earth. There is a bigger picure. This is just my intermission!!!