Out of the Slimy Pit!

I am not sure where to even start with the run-down from this past week! This summer has sure been turning out to be busy and very unpredictable.

First and foremost, I am feeling much better from last Friday's episode in the ER. I am trying to monitor my diet a little better so hopefully that will help with things. On Sunday we were finally able to make it to church in Defiance. I love listening to our pastor, Fr. Todd. He is the reason we are at the church we are at and after listening to one of his homilies I always feel ready to tackle the week.

We had what I like to call a "God moment" this week as well! It has been at least 1 month since we were in Defiance on a Sunday for church and this Sunday a special announcement was made about adoption. The adoption coordinator for Catholic Charities in Toledo was scheduled to hold a meeting on Tuesday at the school directly across the street from our house. Some of you are probably thinking "so what?" at this moment but let me explain. When we were first considering adoption we went to an information meeting in Toledo put on by Catholic Charities. It was so moving that after that meeting we were certain we would be adopting a child at some point in our lives. At that first meeting we got to listen to two birth mothers speak about their experiences. They were both pregnant at the time and one mother even surprised the couple she had chosen to parent her baby at the meeting. There was not a dry eye that night to say the least. However, the one birth mother stood out among the rest. Her name is Caroline. She is one of the most beautiful, selfless and awe-inspiring individuals that I have ever met. I left that meeting with a new sense of what it means to adopt and the loss that is also experienced during the process. While we knew adoption was in our future that night we had already planned to give IVF a try so put the adoption idea on hold. We were already emotionally and financially invested in fertility treatments so much so that the thought of stopping everything cold turkey was overwhelming. You already know our IVF procedure failed and you know that we are in the midst of waiting for our child with another agency. However, signing up with another agency is something many couples do when adopting and is something we have talked briefly about. When we heard Catholic Charities was going to be in Defiance we thought this would be the perfect opportunity to get a few more questions answered about their program and decided to attend with the intention of only getting more information. We were sure in for a surprise!

So now to the "God moment". As we walked into the doors to the meeting we recognized the adoption coordinator and then saw the same two birth mothers that were present at the information meeting, this time sans big pregnant bellies! They told their stories again but this time including the heartache experienced in the loss of their child. Even so, these women were at peace with their decisions. Their stories are beautiful and so touching. I knew walking away Tuesday night that we were on the right path to finding our child. I also knew we would be signing up with Catholic Charities as well. While our infertility has caused me to feel inadequate, envious, jealous, angry, and depressed at times I discovered what so many people desire when in "the slimy pit". God will always be there! "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand" (Psalm 40:2). While my heart aches most days for a child to fill my arms I am at the same time filled with joy that God has chosen me to experience the blessing that adoption truly is.

In other news, our nursery furniture arrived. It is assembled and looks great. We can't wait to find bedding, paint and make it beautiful. We are so excited to continue preparing for our child. We can't wait to meet you some day little one! Here is a sneak peek:

Side note: Please pray for all those in Ohio affected by the random storms Friday afternoon. Many families are still without power in this sweltering heat, lost buildings and had crops destroyed! We spent the majority of our day moving tree limbs, hooking up generators, and tranferring frozen food to and from freezers!

This Week in Review

Here is a quick recap of this week:

1) We recieved an email yesterday that our family profile was officially live on our agency's website! Check us out! Do you know anyone pregnant and considering their options? Friends, family, church, school, work?  Please refer them to our agency in Yellow Springs, Ohio. They will take good care of the mother and help her find a perfect family... it could be us. :-)

http://www.adoptionlink.org/index.php?page=waiting-adoptive-families

2) I am so excited about this weekend because it is the first one that I don't feel like I will be running around like crazy! This week was fairly uneventful until the end of the week. We recieved another email about an "unusual" situation with a birthmother. Again, it was so hard to say no but we feel so sure about our decision that we know it was the right one. It is tough though. Some of the things that these newborns must endure not only in the womb but right after they take their first breath is just heartbreaking. Although this particular situation was not right for us now I can feel God working on my heart to someday being more open to this type of situation.

3) Yesterday started out as any other typical day until about 9:00 am. I had just walked out of a patient room and wasn't feeling quite right. I went to the bathroom as I had some abdominal cramping and felt nauseated. Well one thing led to another and I ended up in the ER after nearly fainting. My blood pressure was super low and my heart rate slow for a few minutes. It was scary. That is the thing about working in the medical field, as the nurses were hooking me up to all sorts of monitors I could barely hear because of the ringing in my ears but could hear enough medical jargon that I knew a little about what was happening to me. I was started on an IV right away, they took several vials of blood, did an EKG, and asked me a ton of questions. *Note: this next section might be TMI, so stop reading now and scroll down further if you wish* The one thing the doctor wanted to know was if this has happened to me before. It has, but not to this extent and is usually associated with my menstural cycle. I have had this happen to me since about the 7th or 8th grade but inconsistently. My tests all came back normal (and no I am not pregnant although that would have been an awesome surprise) but based on my history the doctor is pretty certain I have something called Neurocardiogenic Syncope (fainting). It is very common in young, healthy individuals but there is something that triggers the response I had. The doctor thinks mine might be related to abdominal pain/cramping associated with bowel movements. Long story short I am not in any immediate danger, was told to increase my sodium intake (apparently this helps deter the episodes) and I have to follow-up with my doctor. I will probably be making an appointment with a specialist in the area as well because there are medications/nasal sprays that can help with this too!

4) Our nursery furniture has been ordered and will be delivered next Friday! We spent Thursday night clearing out our office to make room for everything. It is a good thing we have started this now. We have a lot to organize. I can't even imagine trying to do all of this with a newborn.

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children. Romans 8:14-16

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful dad, father-in-law, grandpa, uncles, brother-in-laws and all the other fathers and father figures out there. My heart goes out to all of the fathers-in-waiting today as well, especially my fantastic husband! Please say an extra prayer for my uncle, and godmother's husband, Dan. He is in the hospital this weekend with severe pancreatitis. Although stable he is not feeling well and is for sure not spending the day as I am sure he had hoped. Prayers have sure been lifted from here for a speedy recovery.

We had another great weekend celebrating the marriage of our very special friends, Jeff and Allison. Congrats again guys we wish you all the best!

 Beautiful!

 Just as onery as ever!

 Where it all began! Love you!

In other news I found this prayer the other day and will be adding it to my daily time in prayer and reflection.

The "Prayer of Abandonment"

for Adoptive Parents

Father, we abandon ourselves into your hands,

to send a child ... or not ... as you see fit.

You by whom the Word was made flesh,

send us a miracle, if this is what you desire.

Or lead us to our child, if that be your will.

 

We do not ask for guarantees; no parent can.

Only light enough for the very next step.

 

We do not ask for a perfect child,

nor can we promise to be perfect parents.

Whatever you choose for us, whatever you desire

we abandon ourselves to your perfect will.

 

We are ready to offer our daily "yes,"

until that perfect will be revealed in us.

And until, at last perfected, we bear witness

to the work of redemption you began in Eden.

We love you, Lord, and offer ourselves to you,

wholly and without reservation.

We surrender ourselves, moment by moment,

knowing that this is only the first small step

Of a lifetime of surrender,

so that we may be made more perfect in love.

That we might imitate, on earth as in heaven,

the redemptive love

the adoptive love

the selfless love

with which you first loved us.

Amen.

 

Also, in searching for some more reading material I came across this book and am so excited to read it. It is a must read for anyone going through infertility, have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage or infant death, as well as, family and friends of those struggling.

The Lord is good to those who wait for him...

Lamentations 3:25

He's Always Right on Time

Well there is definately never a dull moment in our household! After our homestudy on Friday we were finally able to take a deep breath and feel good about maybe having some down time for awhile but God had different plans as usual!

We decided that we need to get moving on finding a crib and a few other furniture essentials for sure. We will be borrowing a bassinet from a family member but purchasing the crib, changing table, etc. on our own. I was still having reservations about starting the nursery until Wednesday when our agency ALREADY contacted us about a potential birthmother. For several items on our child preference sheet we checked "will consider" and because of this when a new birthmother contacts the agency and it somewhat fits our profile but we have "will consider" the agency sends us some basic information about the situation and asks us if it is okay if our profile book is shown. In situations in which we are a better match based on our preferences we won't be asked and our profile book will just be shown and if the birthmother likes us we will get a call! Anyways this was one of the first situations so we were given some background information about the birthmother and how the baby is doing to date. It is a baby boy who is due on August 3rd! However, there were a few "sticky" situations and issues that we had to discuss amongst ourselves before giving the green light to the agency for our profile book to be shown. After talking about it, praying about it, seeking the advice from our pediatrician, family doctor, OB/GYN and a P.A. whom I work with and is an adoptive parent herself we have decided to forego this specific situation. It was tough to make this decision but we know it was the right one. Neither one of us felt entirely comfortable with the situation from the get-go but wanted to make sure we did the appropriate research. We know this baby boy will be placed with parents who will be able to care for him in a way that we did not feel we even could. Turning down this potential match was harder than I thought it would be, even considering all of the "sticky" situations that could have potentially come with it. In a way I felt like we were losing a baby all over again. Last night and this morning were tough because it was hard to understand why God would put us through such a crazy emotional roller-coaster already but looking back on the past few hours and days I can now piece together his plan.

I have been so hesitant about starting a nursery until this situation came about but because it did I feel much more comfortable making sure we at least get somewhat of a head start. This made me realize that our match and placement could happen a lot quicker than what we might think and has put me more at ease with our decision to start preparing for our child. When I got home from work today I knew that we would be contacting our agency to let them know we did not want to be considered for this situation and it was a long ride home. Several times I could feel tears forming at the thought that we were letting another child go but then I opened my mailbox and one piece of mail (thanks Jen & Andy) solidified that this all happened as part of a bigger plan.

Somehow, someway a very thoughtful card made it to my house today, when I needed it most. I am pretty sure I have never told these friends of mine my favorite scripture verse, and one that I repeat often to myself most days, but God knows and worked through my dear friends to let me know that his plan for me is GOOD and when the timing is right we will welcome our baby home.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Feelin' The Love

Thank you all so much for your love and support already! I will continue to update the blog regularly so please check back. In the mean time, you can support the adoption tax credit by going to this website and signing the petition if you so wish:

http://www.change.org/petitions/make-adoption-costs-fully-refundable-in-the-2012-2013-tax-years

Also, check out this awesome video:

"Patience can't be acquired overnight.

It is just like building up a muscle.

Everyday you need to work on it."

~Eknath Easwaran

Learning to Pray Through Infertility

Our homestudy is done! We are officially waiting! I have seen/heard some people refer to this as being "paper pregnant" in the adoption world. I do not like that term. It rubs me the wrong way for some reason. If this is a term you are used to using, well, it's a free country. However, please don't refer to it that way around me. Although we have been slowly telling people that we are adopting as it comes up in conversation we plan to make that official as well in the next week or so. We will be letting all of our co-workers, friends and extended family who may not have heard yet know about our plans! The agency can now start showing our profile to birthparents. We have no idea when we will get our baby, if it will be a boy or a girl, or even where she/he might be from but we are excited for the plans that are in store for us!

Anyways, the homestudy was definately not what I thought it was going to be. First of all, our social worker was incredibly nice. She was very down to earth and even knew the area because of an uncle who actually lives down the road from us. She spent an hour with us making sure we had all of our paperwork and that it was complete. Then she walked around our house with us checking off all of the necessary items on the safety audit. We passed. She loved our home and loved Bella and Orzo! The whole experience was not as invasive as I thought it was going to be and makes me excited for what the rest of the process will be like.

After our social worker left I had some mixed emotions. I was excited and happy that we passed with flying colors but yet had a very empty feeling. It's strange because going into this I knew we had to get through the homestudy before our profile could even be shown but it was like I wanted someone to say "ok you passed, here is your baby". It doesn't work that way! Feelings of sadness and anxiety started to wash over me as I realized we could be waiting a really long time for our miracle. When you go through miscarriage and infertility certain things (i.e. seeing pregnant women, baby announcements, ultrasound posts on facebook, baby aisles in department stores, etc.) can trigger a flood of emotions you may have thought were gone. They will never be gone. They will always be a part of me for the rest of my life. After somewhat of a pity party for myself I realized that even if we do have a longer wait than what we would want we still have plenty to do to get ready for our baby. We can start thinking about preparing a nursery now which is something that I have been wanting to do for 2 years! Aaron actually brought this up and at first I wanted nothing to do with it. I didn't want a baby room to be ready but sit empty forever. However, I read in our adoption magazine that if you have animals it is actually a good idea to at least move furniture into the room so that they can get used to the new setting. Having a baby is going to be a new experience for them as well, so taking small steps like this will help them transition too.

We had to leave our house after the social worker left last night because we felt we needed to do something although we had absolutely nothing to do. It's kind of like how you feel after finals in college. You prepare and study for hours, take all of your tests and then don't know what to do with yourself because for weeks you have had the same routine. When we got home we watched a movie and then I searched the internet for other adoption/infertility blogs. I came across one in particular "The Plans I Have For You" that I enjoyed reading. One of her recent posts was this article:

http://blogs.nd.edu/oblation/2012/05/24/waiting-for-gabriel-learning-to-pray-through-infertility/

This article is long but definately a must read! Here is my favorite paragraph and so fitting for what I was feeling last night. I know God wanted to me find this article. He put the idea into my head to search blogs last night and to click on this blog in particular. He really is amazing and knows just how to take care of his children.

"For, it turns out we weren’t married that we could experience the joy of having children. We were married that our lives become an offering of love for the world. To our nieces. To our nephews. To our friends. To a child, yet to be born, but who we hope to one day welcome. To a child, who has suffered more from neglect, whether accidental or purposeful, than we do from the absence of a child. Our infertility isn’t about us. It’s about what how God can transform even our sorrow into joy; how even in the shadow of this very real cross, the light shines in the darkness and the darkness will not overcome it."

Patience is a virtue, right?

So tomorrow is our homestudy! Our house is clean and safe, our paperwork complete, and the safety audit list double and triple checked. All we have left to do is make sure everything is picked up around the house tomorrow after work and wait to meet our social worker. This whole adoption thing has been quite the family affair. Even Orzo and Bella have been wanting to get in on the action. Clearly they thought they were being helpful when I was trying to organize our paperwork:

I am getting anxious but not the type of anxiety I used to get when going to our fertility doctor, rather an excited nervousness. Does that even make sense? This process is starting to feel very surreal to me. It is very invasive as well and I didn't start to feel this way until yesterday. A stranger, whom we are going to eventually get to know very well, is going to come into our home and inspect every nook and cranny. She is going to ask very personal, intimate questions that not even some of our closest friends and family would dare to ask and we are going to be expected to answer whether we like it or not. If someone had asked me a year ago where I thought I would be the following year and what I would be doing, the adoption process would not have even been on my register. However, it has already been a joyous experience (scary and exhausting too) and well worth all the ups and downs. I only hope the best is yet to come!

"Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting- that is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow- that is patience."

                                                                       ~Unknown

While I'm Waiting-John Waller

(very moving words to this song that have gotten Aaron and I through some tough times)

Turning Tragedy Into Triumph!

It has been another busy week in the Alt household. On Monday we were able to spend time with Aaron's side of the family and enjoy some time poolside. It sure was a hot one but the water was very refreshing. Here are some pics of our cute nieces and nephews (and yes I may be a little biased):

                                                    Sweet Sarah

                                           Sam & Aaron-best buds!

                                                     Check out this jump!

                                                      Josh!

                                                     Ella splashin' around

                                           Little Luke

Work has been busy for both of us this week but we have been able to get out to our gardens and start harvesting some items (mostly basil). Our tomatoe plants and cucumbers are growing nicely. We got a lot of basil off of our plant this week (enough to make several servings of pesto that we froze to use at a later date) and made this awesome tasting pizza:



http://allrecipes.com/recipe/easy-tomato-basil-pizza/detail.aspx

I substituted cherry tomatoes like the picture shows and didn't necessarily measure things out perfectly.

By the way, if you would like to know an awesome way to freeze pesto just message me! Someday I am going to come up with such a genius idea and make millions.

We have been spending time enjoying our newly renovated deck. Aaron did most of the renovating by himself. I am so lucky to have such a handy husband. Since taking these pictures we have stained the bottom half of the deck, added an umbrella to our table, a deck box to store various items, and several plants.

Did you think I forgot about updating you about our adoption endeavors. Oh don't you worry there has been a lot of adoption related talk and tasks still taking place on a daily basis. We only have 3 MORE TRAININGS until our education is completed. We hope to be done by Tuesday! Aaron has been busily safeguarding many of our drawers and cabinets, and we have been reorganizing items so that other items that are considered hazardous are out of reach. Our homestudy is Friday, June 8th. I am not really as nervous as I thought I would be, but we do have a lot of cleaning we need to complete Wednesday and Thursday. We have started to think about possible childcare options in our area in the event that we get a quick placement and are very blessed to have an extended family member in our area who does in-home childcare. You may have noticed that I added several links at the top left-side of the page as well. Feel free to check them out. I will add links and other items as time allows.

Wednesday was our 3rd anniversary. This day brought about a lot of different emotions for both of us. There was lots of joy in reminiscing about our wedding day and how far we have come since then. However, some tears were shed as well. This is not really how we had envisioned our life would be at this point in time and this realization caused us to relive some of that feeling of loss that we experienced with our miscarriage and infertility. Even so, these trials have made us stronger individuals, stronger as a couple and more ready to be parents than ever. I love this quote from one of my favorite Girlfriends in God authors, Mary Southerland:

"There are no accidents with God, nor is He surprised by anything or anyone in the life of His child. God uses even the most horrendous circumstances for our good. Every circumstance comes to us for a purpose, bound by God’s love and plan and faithfully delivered with His permission. While we cannot go back and change our past, we can change the way we respond to our past and determine how much power it has in our lives today. Only God can take the broken pieces of your life and make something beautiful out of each one. He is waiting for you to let go of your pain and trust Him. And you really can. No one loves you like He does. You may not always understand or even like His process, but you can always trust His heart of love for you!"

I also find myself often coming back to this verse from Romans 8 a great deal lately and hope that maybe there is someone else out there who will benefit from hearing these words as well:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

God really can turn tragedy into triumph!