This week has dealt us quite a few curveballs to say the least. It still stings some to realize we were not chosen by the birthmother our profile was shown to. Some days I am okay with it and other days I wonder "what is wrong with us?" I think it hurts more to realize we have been so close to parenthood so many times and every time it slips away before we can even get used to the idea. First was our miscarriage, then our beautiful embryos, and now this situation. I am trying to get better at not questioning God so much but in these instances it is tough. Why does it seem like some people sail through life so easily? I know everyone has their own struggles but at some point it would be nice to be dealt the better hand in regards to this scenario. I hate being told "no" and that is just what God has been doing over and over and over again. Did you know God told Jesus, his precious Son, "no" as well (the following is taken from another one of my girlfriends in God, Gwen Smith):
He even told his own son “no” for the greater good. While in the garden of Gethsemane on the Mount of Olives, on the night he was betrayed, Jesus was distraught to the point of sweating blood. Crying out to God, He knelt down and prayed, saying, ‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done’ (Luke 22:41-42, ESV).
God said no to Jesus because it wasn’t His will… and because God said no, we can experience grace, forgiveness, peace and salvation. In order for God to be glorified in his life, Jesus had to submit to the will of the Father. In order for God to be glorified in our lives, we, too, must submit to the will of the Father – and His will is always what’s best for us.
This is a toughy. No doubt. But God knows more than we know and His ways are not like our ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). So no matter what we pray for or desire, we can trust that whether His answer is “No,” or “Yes,” His ways are always best.
Reading this devotion today didn't make me feel any better about our current situation at first but as the day went on my mind kept coming back to it. I realized I have been praying for the Lord to answer according to my will (of course I would I am the typical type A personality and always need to be in control). Rather I need to start praying for him to answer according to his will no matter what that may be.
Typing this makes me tear up a little because deep down I know his answer could be "no" to my plea for motherhood and parenthood in general. This thought causes me anxiety because as much as I want to live my life according to God's will, I feel my dreams shattering before my eyes. My dream to experience pregnancy and childbirth have already been taken away. That in and of itself is hard enough to swallow but denying me the one thing I have dreamed of since a little girl seems so harsh.
Only time will tell how all of this is going to work out. I truly believe God will say "yes" someday I just don't know when. I know he hears me, I know he knows how much being a mother would mean to me and I know he knows how much my heart breaks every time we get so close, every time a child dies from abuse and every time someone's well meaning statements sting us to the core. In the meantime I can work on learning to pray better, strengthen my marriage, take time for myself, prepare as best as I can to welcome a child into our home and use my talents to glorify the Lord.
On a different note we have decided to put a hold on applying with a second agency. We are pleased with the agency we are currently working with but more than that we have several outstanding bills (one big one from the ER expected soon), upcoming doctor's appointments for my fainting issue, and baby items we still need to purchase. If we aren't matched in 6-9 months we will probaby resume with the second agency but for now we will try to be content with where we are at. I have faith in our agency that we will be matched sooner rather than later! This weekend we are going to be busy painting the nursery. We have chosen a theme and color palette I am very excited about. I can't wait to get started!
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