Pieced together with unconditional love!

I am not sure where to even begin. I don't feel like I have the words to express how grateful we are for the thoughfulness of so many of our friends and family. Tonight Aaron's brother, our sister in-law and their boys came over for what we thought was going to be a nice evening of grilling out. Of course we still got to eat some delicious food but we were also given an amazing gift that was pieced together to show just how much everyone is anticipating welcoming a new child into the family. Each piece of the quilt was sent in by a different person and put together so beautifully by Jamie. I am in awe! I want to cry and smile and jump for joy all at the same time. I can't wait to cuddle our child in this blanket and share the story of how it came about when they are old enough. It truly is a symbol of unconditional love and the many people waiting with open arms to welcome a new child into our family! If I wasn't sure before that adoption is our calling to parenthood I am now more than ever. A few days ago I was struggling to see that this was the plan God had for us. I prayed to God for some sort of sign that we are on the right path and a few short days later we are presented with such a touching gift I don't even know how to express my gratitude.

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Just Living the Dream!

I have lots of updates and things to say today so bear with me! For the ease of reading my scattered thoughts I will number my entries.

1) We have been very busy this past weekend and throughout the week but it has all been worth it. Last weekend we painted the nursery. We still have decorating to do, window treatments and other odds and ends but that can all be done in time. The painting was the big project and what we were hoping to have done before having a baby in our house. I am going to be putting more of my artistic ability to use to create some paintings for the nursery in the coming weeks. We will see how it goes! I don't know if we really have a theme or not but the plan is to incorporate the "You Are My Sunshine" verse and more owls into the paintings to tie everything together. Overall, we wanted the room to feel comfy and cozy. I think we have succeeded so far! Here is a sneak peek:

2) We have also started the "Insanity" workout program together. There is a method to the madness in this program but we aren't following it perfectly. The purpose of starting this program was to get moving and be able to do something together. It has been so hot outside we haven't felt like going for our regular walks and bike rides so we felt we needed to find something to keep active indoors. It is tough but the nice thing about it is you can do it at your pace. It is motivating, fun and exhausting all in one!

3) The other activity that has been keeping us busy is canning. I am a rookie at this and have never tried it until this year. We have cucumbers growing out our ears so I have canned several jars of dill pickles (Aaron's favorite!). I have also made some salsa with our tomatoes and bought several pints of raspberries on sale last week which made A LOT of jam! It is delicious! I was very intimidated to try canning but it truly is very easy. It can be time consuming but soooooo worth it.

4) Those of you that prayed the St. Anne Novena along with me I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I have never prayed a Novena before (at least not that I remember). It was nice getting the reminders. It was often the first thing that popped up on my phone in the morning so it was nice starting the day out with prayer!

5) Recently I have been reading a great deal about dreams. In particular, my dreams and reflecting on how God wants me to fulfill them. This week the chapter I was reading was about shattered dreams (very fitting for this time in my life) and I found this paragraph very interesting:

"Many times when we experience what we think is a shattered dream, it is in reality an interrupted dream. Sometimes God takes us to a place of intermission to develop our character, strengthen our faith, and deepen our understanding of who He is or what He has prepared for us to do"

I truly believe this is where I am at in my life right now. I feel like I voice my doubts about His plan in my life a lot and I am trying to work on this daily. After all He does say, "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go" (Isaiah 48:17).

There was one other statement that caught my attention and really made me think. I will end today by leaving you with this profound thought and hope it will make a difference in how you go about your every day life as well.

"When we believe that nothing significant can happen through us, we are saying more about what we think about God than what we think about ourselves" (Sharon Jaynes, The 5 Dreams of Every Woman).

I didn't think we were playing baseball!

This week has dealt us quite a few curveballs to say the least. It still stings some to realize we were not chosen by the birthmother our profile was shown to. Some days I am okay with it and other days I wonder "what is wrong with us?" I think it hurts more to realize we have been so close to parenthood so many times and every time it slips away before we can even get used to the idea. First was our miscarriage, then our beautiful embryos, and now this situation. I am trying to get better at not questioning God so much but in these instances it is tough. Why does it seem like some people sail through life so easily? I know everyone has their own struggles but at some point it would be nice to be dealt the better hand in regards to this scenario. I hate being told "no" and that is just what God has been doing over and over and over again. Did you know God told Jesus, his precious Son, "no" as well (the following is taken from another one of my girlfriends in God, Gwen Smith):

He even told his own son “no” for the greater good. While in the garden of Gethsemane on the Mount of Olives, on the night he was betrayed, Jesus was distraught to the point of sweating blood. Crying out to God, He knelt down and prayed, saying, ‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done’ (Luke 22:41-42, ESV).

God said no to Jesus because it wasn’t His will… and because God said no, we can experience grace, forgiveness, peace and salvation. In order for God to be glorified in his life, Jesus had to submit to the will of the Father. In order for God to be glorified in our lives, we, too, must submit to the will of the Father – and His will is always what’s best for us.

This is a toughy. No doubt. But God knows more than we know and His ways are not like our ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). So no matter what we pray for or desire, we can trust that whether His answer is “No,” or “Yes,” His ways are always best.

Reading this devotion today didn't make me feel any better about our current situation at first but as the day went on my mind kept coming back to it. I realized I have been praying for the Lord to answer according to my will (of course I would I am the typical type A personality and always need to be in control). Rather I need to start praying for him to answer according to his will no matter what that may be.

Typing this makes me tear up a little because deep down I know his answer could be "no" to my plea for motherhood and parenthood in general. This thought causes me anxiety because as much as I want to live my life according to God's will, I feel my dreams shattering before my eyes. My dream to experience pregnancy and childbirth have already been taken away. That in and of itself is hard enough to swallow but denying me the one thing I have dreamed of since a little girl seems so harsh.

Only time will tell how all of this is going to work out. I truly believe God will say "yes" someday I just don't know when. I know he hears me, I know he knows how much being a mother would mean to me and I know he knows how much my heart breaks every time we get so close, every time a child dies from abuse and every time someone's well meaning statements sting us to the core. In the meantime I can work on learning to pray better, strengthen my marriage, take time for myself, prepare as best as I can to welcome a child into our home and use my talents to glorify the Lord.

On a different note we have decided to put a hold on applying with a second agency. We are pleased with the agency we are currently working with but more than that we have several outstanding bills (one big one from the ER expected soon), upcoming doctor's appointments for my fainting issue, and baby items we still need to purchase. If we aren't matched in 6-9 months we will probaby resume with the second agency but for now we will try to be content with where we are at. I have faith in our agency that we will be matched sooner rather than later! This weekend we are going to be busy painting the nursery. We have chosen a theme and color palette I am very excited about. I can't wait to get started!

A Season for Everything!

What's that? Two posts in one day. This morning I didn't have time to post everything I wanted to and I have some time this evening to make some updates. Also, Aaron is at a parish finance meeting so I have the house to myself (although the cats are still here vying for my love and affection of course).

First of all, we had a wonderful weekend despite the fact that I had ANOTHER fainting episode. It is getting old real quick so I have decided to make an appointment with a cardiologist as recommended. The episodes are becoming closer together than ever before and more severe as well so it is time that I truly do something about it. That coupled with the fact that it is down right embarrasing to faint in public so often. Unfortunately, this most recent epidsode happened while enjoying an afternoon at Sauder Village with our nephews so it put a damper on everyone's day. We also had a great visit with Aaron's sister, Ali, and our nephew, Jack. Here are some pictures from their stay with us:

 Aaron & Jack petting "Mark" the horse

 Making biscuits in the 1910 summer kitchen

 Riding the train (this was pre-fainting!)

 Jack LOVED Orzo!

Who would have thought the box was more fun than the tractors!

In other news, our profile was actually shared with a birthmother this past weekend! It was for a baby girl due August 2nd. However, we were not chosen. While heartbreaking we know that God has a plan and this baby girl was meant for another family. Our time will come. In the meantime, this means we need to get going on the nursery. I know that once a baby comes we won't be thinking about the decor of the room and I would at least like to get some paint on the walls, bedding ready, and a car seat.

I almost forgot to mention that our paperwork is in to our other agency we are signing with. I got a call today that they are just waiting for our homestudy information from our first agency then we can continue on with the process with them as well!

When thinking about what I wanted to write about today I wasn't sure if I wanted to include what I am about to write or not but after some careful consideration and several instances today I think now is the time. A common theme that is discussed on adoption message boards is "what crazy things have people said to you when they found out you were adopting?" I love these threads because more often than not I have experienced several of the same phrases. They make me laugh and make what can often be a discouraging conversation with someone more lighthearted. One phrase that I commonly hear is "you're adopting? you'll definately get pregnant now!" I know the person means no harm by this phrase but the chances are slim. Not only have I not gotten pregnant via the most advanced medical intervention but this is actually very rare. One statistic I have found states that only 1 in 8 infertile couples became pregnant after ending fertility treatments, and that number was the same whether the couple adopted or not. Like many adoptive mothers this not only bothers me because I hear this phrase in place of "Congratulations!" or "that's wonderful!" but it implies that adopting a child is second best. For me, I always feel like the person is trying to make me feel better about "having to adopt". This is not how I view adoption though. Adoption for Aaron and I is not a second choice, it is one of many choices to add to our family.

There are several other common phrases I often hear from well-meaning individuals but I will tackle those another time.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

St. Anne novena

Thanks to blogger sister "grace in my heart" for providing this link:

http://www.praymorenovenas.com/st-anne-novena/

Please join us in praying this novena for all those still waiting for their little ones!

The most precious answer!

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Perseverance

I am not a patient person. If I didn't know this before I know it now. Waiting is hard. Today has seemed harder for some reason. It has been 1 month waiting but it feels like a lifetime. This entire journey began 2 years ago so really the waiting has been longer. My faith is being tested to the max. Every day that goes by without a potential match for a child and month after month of negative pregnancy tests really takes a toll on a person. I think I am sad today because of words that were exchanged that were meant to be playful but felt like a dagger to my heart. One thing I have learned throughout all of this is the true meaning of "holding your tongue". My parents can vouch for me that I am not typically very good at this. I speak what I feel. However, I now take to heart the verse from Proverbs 21: 23 "Watch your words and hold your tongue; you'll save yourself a lot of grief." What you may think is not hurtful or just silly can actually be very malicious, especially to someone with a hurting heart. This can hold true for any situation. I won't preach more about this issue but just think about it. Remember this this next time you open your mouth: "Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." Proverbs 17: 27-28


I am beginning to get the feeling that this (infertility) trial in my life has something to do with learning patience. I have been bombarded by the following scripture verse the last 2 weeks: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 (NIV)  First, I read it in my book "Hannah's Hope". Then, it was a reading at church last Sunday and yesterday it was the topic of my daily devotional. Coincidence? I think not! Obviously, God is trying to tell me something! My trusty girlfriend in God, Mary Southerland, couldn't have said it better,

I tend to consider it pure joy when I can escape trials of many kinds, but James tells us that trials can and should be faced with patience and an attitude of joy. Not joy for the trials but joy in the trials. Don’t miss this vital truth. Joy is deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control. Joy is a chosen attitude and understands that trials are not punishment.

Take a $5 bar of steel. If you cut that bar into ordinary horseshoes, it is worth about $10. That same $5 bar of steel cut into needles is worth $350 but cut into delicate springs for watches, that same $5 bar of steel is worth $250,000.

Trials are a test, a measurement of growth. Patience gives God permission to work and even expects to be tested.We go to great lengths to avoid trials and shelter ourselves from the storms of life. The result is spiritual immaturity. God will not build our character without our cooperation and He will not work in us without our permission. We must surrender, invite Him to work and then by faith, patiently embrace that work in our life. Warren Wiersbe writes, “When God permits his children to go through the furnace, He keeps his eye on the clock and his hand on the thermostat.” Doubt puts our circumstance between us and God while faith puts God between us and our circumstances. Patience comes when we give up the responsibility for the outcome to God.

On the home front side of things we have picked out crib bedding and a theme for the nursery, yay! Sorry, no pictures will be shown until the final reveal! I will say, however, that I am extremely excited about our decision and the fact that I will get the chance to use some of my artistic abilities! We have also been continuing to keep busy by spending a lot of time with family, gardening, and planning more activities for the rest of the summer. We are VERY excited to have Aaron's sister, Ali, and our nephew, Jack, here for the weekend at our house. They live out of state so this is a welcomed visit. I know Aaron is really looking forward to their stay. I am sure we will have plenty of pictures to share. In the meantime, here is a little of what we have been up to recently:

 Luke swimming at the Heritage Inn @ Sauder Village

 Relaxing in the hotel room

 Some of the pretty landscape @ Sauder Village

 Josh being Josh!

 At the Naturalization Ceremony; 44 people become new U.S. citizens!

 Aaron driving the train

 Sam in the conductor's seat

 It was HOT!

 I think Josh sums up how we felt about the heat!

 Not sure what to say about this one

 Tomato plants

Cucumbers

 Bella enjoying our homegrown catnip

Orzo helping himself to the catnip when he thought I wasn't looking

HOPE!

I don't think I have ever been so thankful for A/C! The temperatures this week in Ohio have been so stifling hot you can hardly breathe when you walk outside. Most people who did not have power from last week's storm are now comfortable again. Alleluia!

Oh and by the way Happy 4th of July! I hope everyone enjoyed the fireworks, cookouts and family time despite the heat. We spent last night and part of today at Sauder Village with some family. It was a hot one but a lots of fun. I will post pictures at a later time if I remember!

We got home from our quick overnight trip around 3:30pm today and have been couch potatoes since. I have been reading some of my book "Hannah's Hope" that I posted about several weeks ago. It is really good! I wish I had known about this book almost immediately following our miscarriage, or at least once we started pursuing infertility treatments. I think I can speak for most women going through loss and/or infertility when I say that I feel an immediate bond with Hannah. I think if we were alive in the same time period we would be great friends. This book is wonderful not only for those experiencing infertility and loss on a very intimate level but is very educational for family and friends who want to learn how to help their loved ones through such a difficult and emotional journey. I am pretty sure if I could afford it I would buy a copy for all of my close friends and family members!

I find Hannah and her husband, Elkanah's, relationship interesting and inspiring. I am also thankful that I live in the world I do today and it is not the norm to have more than one wife. While Hannah was always #1 in Elkanah's heart he did take another wife and had several children with her. This was devastating to Hannah but come to find out also devastating to Elkanah. He loved Hannah so much and wanted nothing more than to be able to give her children. I won't go into any further detail about Hannah's life today but encourage all of you to read her story in 1 Samuel. I find comfort and a source of strength in her story. I believe I was meant to read this book and become closer to her for no other reason but to remind me that God does hear my prayers and knows the longings in my heart despite what I may think some days.

Also while relaxing this afternoon I came across two songs written especially for those going through infertility. The words and emotions expressed in the lyrics perfectly describe the anguish that infertility can bring to someone's life. I hope these can be comforting to you if you are experiencing the same and/or give you a deeper understanding of how your loved one is feeling.

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14